That's not me....

the last month was a horrible trip for me. some major mind boggling decisions are to be made and having to leave thru them. well, in short, i went thru a minor day surgery last week and have been resting at home. i struggled during times alone and also during services not because i'm scared of the surgery. (well, you guys don't need to know what surgery it is)... but yeah, i was just asking God what is it this time? and i got nothing! i've been trained infact to deal with "NOTHING", but i guess God sure knows His way around me. I guess i was too confident sometimes. but not again!?! i dealt with the other day surgery last year during Chinese New Year and boy, that was some big deal, and i'm glad i went thru that with great things following thru, so i asked God... if there's another great thing coming, this better be worth it!! hahaha... but to kick it off... as the nurses were strapping me with all those wires in the surgery room, they made a staggering remark. this particular one said, "you are a cool patient". and i was like, "what the?", and she said, "your heart rate is only at 50, considering you are going in for surgery, that's way beyond anyone"... and thus i just went on knowing the total peace of God was upon me... how COOL is that!?! 

but anyhow, my struggle continues... the last week at home was just merely a whole load of nothingness. i've got nothing. i tried distracting myself, with other things, well, the only thing probably that got stuck with me is rest. so i decided not to do anything but rest. then a whole load of battle came within me. the feeling of worthlessness strike back... just feels like empire strikes back sorta... but more to that, it came to the point i felt like giving up. but maybe it's just a battle within me that i forgot how to rest? but after a few hours, i just thought to myself, "That's not me!?!", well, nothing really much happened until the following day, i met up with a friend, and she was just telling me what's going on with herself, and i went on talking to her and it was like my "inspiration mode" was turned on with turbo, and all that worthlessness crap was all gone... and i left telling myself, yeah... that's not me... hehe... 

anyhow, i'm pretty much powered by what Jon Chan mentioned on one of his interview with MTVASIA... he said, "self-pity is addictive and is disgusting". and i just say to myself, yeah, it's a drug that anyone can unknowingly take and not know that they are addicted to it till they tell themselves, "THAT'S NOT ME!" 

have fun...